did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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