Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
