I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
