so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
