just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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