i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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