All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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