So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
