It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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