When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You ruined the universe
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
