I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
