my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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