Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
