I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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