you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
