Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
