Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
