just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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