I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
