You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
