Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
