If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
