I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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