You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i will never coherently bang her
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
