My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
