im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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