One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
