there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize