there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
