he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
