you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my being single is dangerous.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
