It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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