Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
