So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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