How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
