The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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