woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize