she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
