so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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