I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
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