Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize