Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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