Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
