so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
