i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
