Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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