Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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