she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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