ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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