something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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