He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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