mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
