I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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