Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
