sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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