Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
