You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
