You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
