My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
