I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
