I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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