So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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