i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
